In Repair

Hi blog.  It’s been a while. Though I wouldn’t fault you for thinking so, the neglect I have demonstrated in the past year and bit has nothing to do with how meaningless or devalued you have become to me. I now recognize that you, along with much of what used to bring me great joy, fulfillment and energy, have been marginalized over the last little while, despite being some of my life’s greatest loves and sources of happiness.  I have an explanation, but not an excuse.

I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

This hardly makes me unique, and my story is far from unusual. I am one of about 25% of women in my age group who will live with this condition. How I personally got here is still something I am exploring and seeking to understand. Partially because I’m a historian, and dig the whole "you must understand History, or else it will repeat itself" thing.  But mostly, this is an exercise in ensuring that my life doesn’t plateau, or worse- that my quality of life doesn’t continue to deteriorate because of this at-times debilitating disorder.

I hesitated in writing this and publishing it on a public forum for a variety of reasons. Firstly, this is some pretty raw stuff (duh). In an age of social media reel highlights, exposing some of my most personal stories for some to click on or accidentally find on Google is a little daunting. Then, I remembered how lengthy the process had been for me to finally seek help and admit that many things just didn’t feel right - how I just didn't feel like 'me' for several months.  I remembered the sense of relief I began to feel when I started to feel, for the first time in months, like who I am as a person had returned to inhabit my physical body again. So, I decided that yes, I would share my story. I would share it to do my part in destigmatizing something that is still so commonly misunderstood. I am sharing it because I would have told any of my friends to do the same – and it seemed a bit disengenuous to not follow my own advice. I am sharing it because I feel as though I am starting to benefit from the treatment options that I am so fortunate were made available to me – and if there is someone reading who is a ‘me’ circa several months ago, this may be a reminder of that, and the beginning of a path to repair.

 My own process of fixing started several weeks ago. For over a year, I attempted to will my bad feelings away – to positive talk myself out of how my head and my heart were feeling constantly. "How dare you feel this way! You have your health, a job, you’re surrounded by wonderful friends." 

Don’t we all do this? At times, try to guilt ourselves out of our own feelings instead of acknowledging them? As though suffering in the world was a finite thing, and me wallowing in my own feelings may prevent someone who "rightfully" deserves to feel sad to do so. I’m hardly advocating for the right to complain incessantly – I heartily believe in a healthy perspective, and in gratitude and appreciation.  But I have learned that I don’t have to skirt away from deeply feeling something out of guilt or fear. Doing so kept me from finding the source of my unhappiness for too long, and kept me from learning from my vulnerabilities. I’ve also accepted that my head can’t  talk my body of what it is biologically and chemically feeling.

 

Before coming to that realization, life had become unusually and abnormally taxing for me in a variety of arenas. Regular tasks at work had begun to seem monumental. Even mustering the energy to walk from my car into my house at the end of the day seemed, at times, incredibly demanding. My interest in socializing with big groups, once something that brought me much energy, seemed to zap me of the little liveliness I had left. A general sense of lethargy seemed to take over. My self-esteem suffered, as I failed to see why anyone would want to keep company with the likes of my worst self. I’d find temporary reprieve at the news of something hopeful or promising, but then quickly revert back to living a life full of shades of grey, deprived of colour.

Travel, once the love of my life, became something I considered bothersome. I went from planning my next vacation while returning from the last to experiencing intense anxiety at the thought of having to leave home. I often forced a fake enthusiasm for it, convinced that to not do so would be some sort of defeat, or sign of weakness. Trying to be myself and face my colleagues and friends as though nothing was the matter was a daily struggle. Answering "I’m doing well!" to various "How are yous" began to feel invasively inauthentic. I started trying to rationalize this significant shift in my persona by placing the blame on various things. My busy work schedule, at times juggling two jobs. The stress of my newly started masters. Not enough down time. Not enough sleep. Or, counter-productively concluding that ‘there must be something missing’, and adding more into my life without making readjustments for all of it to fit.

In the face of this, I did not adequately address whatever underlying conditions had led me up to this point. In the process, I have likely damaged relationships, undermined my own abilities and negatively impacted my overall health. For far too long, I attempted to go at it alone and tried to convince myself that the ship would eventually right itself. "Once I have a job that is challenging, not demanding…" "Once my weekends aren’t taken up by my masters.. ", "Once things settle a bit".

I rendered myself virtually powerless in a situation that could have and should have been much more bearable and productive. I kept repeating behaviours that had been my routine in the past, hoping that normalcy would return. For over a year, I tolerated a quality of life that was preventing me from progressing as a teacher, student, partner, friend, human – like a hamster spinning in a stationary wheel, with much less cute.

And while the road to this realization was long, I am genuinely happy to share that, for the first time in several months, I feel truly optimistic and hopeful about the direction my life is now taking. Instead of adding to my plate, thinking my unhappiness was due to something missing, I’ve taken a few steps back to reexamine certain choices and habits. I’ll share with you some elements of my repair tool kit that have been the most indispensable to these realizations.

1.     Counseling: this was the crucial first step in finding a “me” I could be proud of again. I was fortunate enough to find a therapist that was a great fit for me, and who was able to open my eyes to a number of different techniques and practices that would improve my overall health. Her ability to understand my experiences and give my feelings a safe place to exist was both liberating and comforting. It can be an incredibly painful exercise to dig down to the roots of our innermost insecurities and worries; however, it has mostly been an opportunity to address things that, left unattended, could continue to resurface in the most unbecoming and damaging of ways.

I think everyone could benefit from working with a counselor, largely for the self-reflection it allows. In my case, it also made me aware of how to deal with certain situations or patterns in ways I had not yet considered.

2.     My family doctor: when I first approached my doctor about how I was feeling, she immediately ordered an overall assessment of my general health to perhaps find some underlying health conditions that may have been responsible for my depression. She was also very quick to justify and validate my feelings – reminding me that depression is a medical case in and of its own, and reassuring me that I shouldn’t feel shame for asking for help.

3.     Boundary setting: for the time being, I need to replenish some depleted energy and forever abandon the idea that I can be everything to everyone. This will require paying closer attention to what I need, and not ignoring instinctual calls to slow down. As a single person with only 2 cats in my care (when they’re not passed off to Auntie Dani), I recognize that my situation here is much easier to manipulate than most – and that there will never be as good a time as now for me to readjust certain habits.

4.     Running and group exercise: For the better part of my 20s, no Wing Night in town would have been neglected in favour of time at the gym. With nothing or no one to keep me accountable, my physical health was nearing dead last on my list of priorities, finding a spot beneath “reorganize Diet Coke cans”, or “eat 4 pizzas while watching a weird show on TLC”. I discovered spin classes before a few years ago, which kept me on a schedule that made me more accountable. By the time I moved to runner-friendly Abu Dhabi, I enjoyed the newfound benefits of exercise so much that I challenged myself to participate in various races throughout my time living there. I’ve kept that up here, recently running a half-marathon. Group exercise classes with some dear friends have also become a new habit – something I credit with helping me maintain a certain level of functionality, even in my most challenging days.

 

One of the reasons I decided to leave Abu Dhabi was to be able to come back to a support network of friends - camels are cute, but terrible listeners. 

5.     Support: I have gradually made a few people in my life aware of my experience with depression. The support they have shown me has been immensely helpful. I’m a generally rather private person and try to keep from directly asking for help. Despite this, I have had people check in on me regularly, friends who have made me laugh or given me a warm hug, friends who have passed on relaxation tools or who have given me hours of their time to let me share what was on my heart. Thank you, you lovely humans. Your care has helped tremendously.

And so, my process of repair continues, with a few encouraging details on the horizon. I have recently accepted a new position at my school which holds exciting promise and will see me capable of utilizing more of my strengths and interests in my daily work. I am chipping the rust off of my student abilities and finding ways to be a better Master’s learner. I am looking forward to a summer of rest, reading and reunions with faraway and close friends. Through the thick of it all in this process of improvement, I’ve always been able to recognize the parts of my life that are outstanding – after too long, I am now able to FEEL those pieces, too - and that is a wonderful place to be.

As mentioned, I feel incredibly fortunate to have the support of people and services that were required to bridge me where I needed to be to be healthy. On June 11^th, I will be running in support of the Calgary Health Trust, which provides this help to those who need it and who would otherwise not receive it. Please consider donating to this worthy cause by clicking on the following link: https://www.runningroom.com/dashboard/giving/?raceId=13615&eventId=40561&memberId=WTsBMQ9tVjMAbVVmBDc=